Always in my heart...

My Snowy

Snowy (my guinea pig) was the one who kept me company when Yadi wasn't born..he was the one that i went to when i longed to hold and kiss Cutie (my hamster) when he passed away. I remember being soo scared of any furry animals, big or small (ask Ting and she'll tell you) but when Cutie came along when i was in Sec 4, i remember him being so tiny, constantly running away from Naughty (my other female hamster) who's so very fierce and suddenly i had the crazy urge to hold him and that's when i first held a furry animal...my Cutie was the very first. Then there was Brownie, Tarzan and Baby. Then Lewis (my bro in-law, NOT one of my hamster's names) brought more hamsters home, Blackie 1, Blackie 2, and Blackie 3. He's the actual animal lover, my bro in-law, not me. I was scared of them but i learnt to care and one thing led to another...i grew to love them. And when all of them went away, i remember crying every single time each of them passed on, especially for Cutie. I really loved him with all my heart. I used to hold him everyday and every night and constantly smother him with kisses and whisper to his ear (now don't you go laughing and say i'm crazy) "Don't leave me so soon ok? I love you so much. I want you here with me." and he did! He lived to a ripe old age of 2 years and 7 months which is incredibly long for a hamster. But even then, when Cutie finally went one dawn, i couldn't help it but cry. And Snowy was there for me to stroke his fur when i missed Cutie in the middle of the night. In fact, i remember crying and not being able to sleep for 3 nights, my thoughts constantly on Cutie, wanting to hold him so badly, just for one last time i thought. Over time, having Snowy around helped me get over my grief for my first pet...Now, Snowy is gone. I may have seem to dismiss it when Shikha commented that i should give Snowy more attention, but i didn't. Every time i admitted to Shikha that "hey, yanno..i think Snowy is a little neglected" and once when i even said, "Shikha, yanno i think maybe Snowy would be better off if i sent him to a pets shop and let them keep him." God knows how it hurt for me to say that...but i only wanted the best for my Snowy. I don't like to show my emotions; my sorrow, my joy, my worries and maybe sometimes my love. It makes me feel vulnerable once i do. It's almost like a defence mechanism yanno? I try to sound as if i'm taking everything lightly only because i don't want to feel heartbroken when Snowy's gone one day but the strange thing is, I am heartbroken now. I am bawling my eyes out for my guinea pig who's gone and left me...I may not have shown it or verbalized it but i was always, always worrying about Snowy...when he's not being sent for grooming promptly on time, when carrots go out of stock in my fridge, when his bedding is dirty, when his drink topples over. I worry, of course i do, he's my only pet left...but i didn't show it. Now that he's passed away, maybe i shouldn't have feared the kind of sadness i would feel when he's gone cause right now, i feel like my heart's been ripped in two anyway...

I seriously don't want to go through this anymore, no more pets for me.

It's just heartbreaking.

"I love you Snowy, you know that, don't you?"