i shld change...

I just spoke to chrys and I learnt something really big abt myself during the conversation that I never quite realized before…

You see..i had a long and tiring day today…actually not really..I’ve had longer days. It’s just that I couldn’t do as much as I wanted to today, cuz of the damn graphs and tables..made me confused cuz there were soo many to refer to..with the appendices and everything so I got frustrated. At myself, at the ppl around me, how the day went….everything!

…when actually…the problem lies with ME.

I realized that I have a habit of expecting too much. More so, with people whom I feel close to. People who matter to me…yanno? Like my family, my friends..

I think unconsciously, I set a standard for them and if they dun meet up to that standard, I get upset, and even worse…disappointed. Now I finally understand why I have always felt that disappointment is the lowest feeling I could EVER feel (even feeling sad or lonely is bearable for me, but disappointment…it’s like the sucky-iest feeling for me to feel towards someone who’s dear to me)

Like that time, I was upset and maybe a little disappointed when I dun get a reply from a friend when I sms him that my sis just gave birth. As a friend, I expected him to care enough to congratulate me. I expected him to know that my sis is an impt person in my life and knowing that she was in delivery and me having class that day, made me all the more worried. And I expected him to know that I’m also worried abt my nephew..whether he’ll be brought into this world safe and sound etc.
But he didn’t know.
And I was disappointed at that.The fact that he was not aware of those things abt me, his very own friend.
And I guess the disappointment escalated even more, when I looked at how long we’ve been friends..which is close to 10 years…

but now, looking at it with a new perspective, I realized that I was wrong in expecting too much from him. I shouldn’t be putting so much pressure or expectations even though he’s been a friend of mine for years..i just realized how very unfair it is for him, cuz I judged his credibility as my friend thru that incident..

And now, when I look back at the bickering that I had with a girl-friend of mine back in sec sch, who is still a treasured friend of mine till today, she used to say to me, “Tell me when u’re unhappy Suri. I can’t read your mind! I’m not a mind reader, for goodness sake! Dun expect me to know everytime you’re upset!”
And I realized, that even then..at that time and age, I expected quite a lot. I expected her to know that I feel upset because of this and that but I didn’t want to say what I feel. Thanks to her (truly), I learnt to be frank to ppl (who matter to me, be it friends or family) when I’m upset abt stuff and I’m glad to say that I’ve cultivated that habit. But what I didn’t realize, until just a few mins ago (thanks to Chrys) is that the root of the problem is cuz I expect too much.
I think that was what my sis was trying to tell me the other time too but I didn’t get it. I just didn’t at that time but I’m glad i finally did..

Then there was also that time, when I wanted to confide in a friend and he wasn’t there when I needed a friend to talk to..and I was upset…and all these disappointed feelings came abt cuz I took it all personally. Maybe cuz I have fixed beliefs of what a friendship is supposed to be..i have always believed that a friend is someone u can rely on, someone who will be there for you through thick and thin…

But today I realize that I need to take things easy…I should not expect too much out of the people around me, most imptly, my friends, my family cuz I love them so much, they really matter a lot to me and I dun want to lose them because of my high expectations.. Thats the problem u see…You will only get angry towards people whom you feel close to, who matters to you..

And most imptly, I think i should learn to take it easy as well… I should not be too hard on myself..try to be more easy-going..

I guess that’s why I felt soo sucky today, esp cuz this is the final assignment and the need to do well got to me and i began to feel a little stressed out cuz I felt i didn’t do as much work as I wanted to and I got grumpy cuz I didn’t meet my goal, believing so strongly that I’ve just wasted my day, doing very little work…but looking at it objectively now, I wouldn’t say that I did very little work…I understood the graphs and tables better now as compared to in e morning…

*sigh* Think I need to get a life…I bet many of my friends will agree on that!
Yeah, tat’s what I shld do.