pensive mooood

A lot of times i feel as if time breezed past me and i never really got the chance to slow down and look back. i get really scared of losing the people i love, my friends...i get scared of losing myself sometimes..of losing the ground that i stand rooted on. Personally, after family, my friends form a major part of my life. But at times, despite having people around me, i feel sad. My mood's down and i feel as if i am alone. It is not so much on common or minor stuffs like disagreement with someone or PMS, it is more of the whole feeling of emptiness in you that you just feel despite the company that you're with or the environment...

It's also strange that when one is happy and having fun, the ending is always sad. I just find it extremely difficult to say goodbye to people who mean so much to me. If possible, i just want it to go on and on and hope it'll never end but of course, it won't. I find it hard to let go but somehow i will...whether it is with much resistance or not, eventually i will. But sometimes, all of a sudden it comes back to me and the guard i put on crumbles. Sometimes, it's because of what i saw at a bus stop, a conversation that i engaged in, an observation that i made or even from watching TV...

Some days when i feel empty i cant help but think of my dad and unknowingly i'll cry. It is not that i am sad or angry or whatever. It is just an empty void rooted deep in my heart that no one seem to be able to fill. It is like, i try to hang on to whatever that is there in my mind and in my heart but at times, i feel like it's slipping away. i cant seem to hold on to it the way i want to...the way i would have liked it to be...and so i retreat and seek comfort in my dreams and i'll pray for the feeling to go away, that i'll be fine to carry on...i'll pray for strength when i feel like i cannot hold it together anymore.

I suppose it's a feeling that come and go but at times, it feels as if it's sticking around and adamant to stay. And i suppose the emptiness will always be there but i guess it is just how i handle it that's most important.